Đám giỗ

I read an article: “Tuần trước, tôi theo chân chị về miền Tây ăn giỗ.” Loud karaoke speakers, beer opened one after another, pressure to drink, a fight between two groups of young men. “Cuộc vui lấn át ý nghĩa tưởng niệm”, the author concluded. I read it and it feels so AI written. It does not have a real sense of being there at all.

Like “ăn cưới”, “đám cưới”, “ăn giỗ” always has two parts: the ceremony, and the banquet. The banquet is always a banquet, with drunkards and the likes. They even have different mâm: mâm cho chú bác, mâm trẻ em, mâm thanh niên. Even when I was young, 40 years ago, ăn giỗ was like that, minus the yet to be invented karaoke speakers.

The đám giỗ of my childhood were like this: close elder relatives always turned up early with their own dishes, placed on the altar, the incense lighted. Then they talked, not necessarily about the one on the altar, being dead a long time ago. Then younger relatives turned up, lighted even more incense to one they never met, then sat down and ate and drank. My family always debated about whether to invite a drunkard relative. My father did not want to, my grandmother said otherwise: the giỗ was for my grandfather. We always ended up inviting him. The feasts were always with alcohol, beers mostly, at the time when beers were still a treat. Some would come and go early, some would stay late and drink a lot, the drunkard caused some problems this year but not that. The pressure to drink was moderate, and there was always a no drink table, or some elderly you suddenly wanted to talk to.

The real remembrance happened the night before, with the early guests who came and went already. Even in the city, the preparation was the fun part. In the past, intricate preparation to overcome scarcity; now, elaborate preparation is the only meaningful offering. The labour is the offering. These days, people would pick a weekend, so that the city dwellers can join, and combine several ancestors together. I bet the giỗ he attended was just like that. A simple question would have unlocked so much: do you always sing at giỗ? Why?

“Người nhặt rau, người kho cá”, the article said. Even the word is northern: in the South, we say lặt rau. Nobody does that. Cá kho is an everyday dish. You don’t serve cá kho at a banquet, as cá kho gets better the more you reheat it, and it would be weird to serve the reheated dish. They are making sure the deep fried fish are crunchy and standing up. I would feel wronged if somebody described my banquet preparation as nhặt rau, kho cá.