Mornings

Why do I feel good/bad/indifferent in the morning I don’t know. I wake up, get down to the kitchen feeling good about a meeting last night, seeing berries growing on the Ivy plant that sticks around my wall like in some fairy tales. Only robins seem to be vocal in autumn, blackbirds and other seem to be focusing on something else. The big French door (are they really French?) helps to keep the cold out, but lets the view through. Greenery everywhere, a good day.

Or waking up, feeling hungry and aggrieved about something, fretting what to do today: same old experiments that lead to nowhere, or thinking about some new experiment that would lead to nowhere, while the body just said: give it a break, but the mind says, come on, why you are not working? The grievances are winning: 25 years of hard work, then redundancy, then unstable work, then unstable feelings.

All in my head, I know, but knowing does not help. Meditation will quieten these down, I know, but meditation, like running, has to be done regularly, or you get detrained. Medication will help in the way running and meditating help: you have to keep using them with diminishing returns.

So what do I really want? I want a will to try, a will to believe that things are worth doing, that there are more good mornings waiting, less bad mornings to fret about.